Weights & Measurements

I was thinking about the methods of measurement that people use in describing absurdly massive quantities, and I managed to boil it down to three popular terms:

• Shit-load
• Butt-load
• Fuck-ton

Normally, most people use these terms interchangeably, without any rhyme or reason. In an exceptionally uninspired writing session, I got to thinking about how to quantify these terms with respect to potential measurements. Now, I'm pretty sure the fine folks at the International Bureau of Weights and Standards never really gave these terms much consideration, but I guess somebody's got to be the maverick. Anyway, let's start at the bottom and work our way up (no pun intended).

I put shit-load at the bottom because, when you think about it, shit is held in the butt; therefore, to accommodate this mass, the vessel must be at least as large as the payload - ideally, it should be larger. Ergo, the butt-load is larger than the shit-load.

Now, I should mention here as a small aside that I have a real problem with the term "butt-load." Seriously, how much stuff can you pack in a butt, anyway? I mean, I have seen some pretty massive shit piles, but a human butt can only hold so much, even when taking the abnormally corpulent Northeast Ohio butts into account. I think that many of the folks who use the term really mean to say "boat-load," but are either ignorant asses or just want an opportunity to interject an obscenity. I don't really have a problem with the obscenity part, but I do have a big problem with ignorant asses. However, that's a rant for another time.

Which brings us to "fuck-ton." Let's face it: a ton is pretty damned heavy. Also, any time you have to use the word "fuck" in conjunction with anything, it's pretty fucking serious.

There are some who would argue that the shit-load and butt-load should outrank the fuck-ton, since "fuck" is an act and not a measurable physical entity like shit or butts. Those same people could also argue that the ton is a finite measurement; whereas, "load" is a more nebulous term that could theoretically surpass a ton. These arguments would have so much more merit if we were talking about actual, quantifiable measurements instead of some goofy-assed colloquialisms. As such, I'm afraid this particular debate will rage on until some half-assed government official steps in to legislate it.